Thursday, April 28, 2011

Feelings are funny things

Life is full of pain.  The feelings that are attached to a broken relationship are too horrible to even begin to explain but I'll try. Sometimes you feel like you'll never be happy again.  Smiling is an impossible task, not that you want to anyway.  Your heart feels like it will never love while it's beating a mile a minute in your throat.  It was almost there, I almost said it.  I wanted to feel it.  I wanted you to know that I really wanted to love you.  I couldn't.  I'm sorry.

The part that everyone forgets is that moment when you feel at peace and realize that this is what was supposed to happen.  It doesn't minimize the heart ache.  It shows you it was worth it.  The experiences, the self awareness and amazing moments that happened are always going to be there.  You can't erase the past when a relationship ends.  At the moment when you're in excruciating pain you want to. You want to delete it all from your memory.  But once that lump in the back of your throat is gone and you can sleep again, you smile when  you remember something.  You can tell a cute story without tearing up and you move on with your life.

The pain of a lost partner never goes away.  You just get better and dealing with it.  You slowly stop asking "What if?" and start to respect the fact it didn't work.  You own your part and nothing else.  Do you want that piece of your life back? Yes? No? You might, or might not, it changes on a daily basis.

Would it be better if your heart was never open to it in the first place?  Of course it would.  But it was broken, you had no say in the matter and I had to make decisions to make it as easy on you as possible. It didn't work for a reason, and it doesn't matter what those reasons are.  Just remember the hurting goes away and the peace does come back to your life. I'll let you know when it happens for me...

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