On the 102nd floor of the Empire State Building, things come into one's mind that have never been there before. Maybe it's the extreme height that screws with the brain? Maybe it's from reading all the nonsense scribbled in that little book? Or maybe, just maybe it's due to the complete and utter whim that lands you there are 11pm on a cold Tuesday night in December. Regardless the reason, something happened up there and I'm still trying to understand it.
For a moment let's forget that adorably nauseating romantic moment that took place while we overlooked the city. There were people bustling around and for the briefest of moments I felt completely alone. Though my hand was being held tightly, a numbing chill ran down my spine. I felt you. I knew then I wasn't the only one cold, looking over the same city with a deviant grin on my face. Old feelings and emotions came over me. I had no choice but to clutch the railing to force my thoughts of you to pass and remember who's hand it was holding mine.
The thought of truly knowing scars me, so I avoid rationalizing it at all costs. How could I be, for once, happy - yet still feel you?
Knowing that what I do have is so close to what could have been is scary. Seeing a pattern such as this is frightening. Am I simply substituting for you? No! I will not, I can not. I waited patiently. I observed and rationalized and calculated and knew exactly what I wanted and when the time was right I took it. I took what wasn't mine because someone else took what was.
I never needed you. I only wanted you, wanted the possibility of what we could be. I wanted more, more that you were unable, wait - unwilling to give. Never did I think I could find you elsewhere.
Something happened that night above the roof tops, above the cars rushing by. Something happened that made it all so very clear. For that moment I am grateful. Comfort and rational thinking won that small battle up there, and with that battle that war in my heart is over.
~JB
December 2006
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