Thursday, April 28, 2011

Feelings are funny things

Life is full of pain.  The feelings that are attached to a broken relationship are too horrible to even begin to explain but I'll try. Sometimes you feel like you'll never be happy again.  Smiling is an impossible task, not that you want to anyway.  Your heart feels like it will never love while it's beating a mile a minute in your throat.  It was almost there, I almost said it.  I wanted to feel it.  I wanted you to know that I really wanted to love you.  I couldn't.  I'm sorry.

The part that everyone forgets is that moment when you feel at peace and realize that this is what was supposed to happen.  It doesn't minimize the heart ache.  It shows you it was worth it.  The experiences, the self awareness and amazing moments that happened are always going to be there.  You can't erase the past when a relationship ends.  At the moment when you're in excruciating pain you want to. You want to delete it all from your memory.  But once that lump in the back of your throat is gone and you can sleep again, you smile when  you remember something.  You can tell a cute story without tearing up and you move on with your life.

The pain of a lost partner never goes away.  You just get better and dealing with it.  You slowly stop asking "What if?" and start to respect the fact it didn't work.  You own your part and nothing else.  Do you want that piece of your life back? Yes? No? You might, or might not, it changes on a daily basis.

Would it be better if your heart was never open to it in the first place?  Of course it would.  But it was broken, you had no say in the matter and I had to make decisions to make it as easy on you as possible. It didn't work for a reason, and it doesn't matter what those reasons are.  Just remember the hurting goes away and the peace does come back to your life. I'll let you know when it happens for me...

We Received an Award - YIPPIE

Thank you to the amazing and strong woman from "Chaos, Clutter and Cancer? Oh My!" I received my very first blogging award!

*drum roll*

This award is to recognize and appreciate fellow bloggers and let your readers know about blogs they might not have known about.
Now it's time to pass it on.  Here are the rules:

*Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to them in your post.
*Share seven things about yourself.
*Award 15 bloggers you recently discovered.
*Contact these bloggers and let them know they have received this award.

Here are  my 7 things...
1.  I'm a recovering addict with over 4.5 years clean
2.  I'm a horrible cook
3.  I was born on Leap Day ( Feb 29th)
4.  I <3 string cheese
5.  I started blogging to get all the stuff I wrote out of my Journal
6.  I'm 31 and in Menopause
7.  I'm a Narcissist with insecurity issues

Now the hard part, I need come up with 15 Bloggers...

Pam's Inbox

Reece Rants & Raves

I don't know many, obviously, so I'm going to spend a few days clicking "Next Blog" to discover blogs...wish me luck! I'll add them above as I find them.

Sunday, April 17, 2011


Trying to be still and quiet in a sleeping house.  My mind won't settle.  It's flooded with a menagerie of words randomly coming together to form strings of simple complicated thoughts...

"Realistically improbable"
"Emotionally over whelming amazing"
"Romantically utterly exhausting"
"Physically exhilarating"
"Unexpectedly clingy"
"Insecurely minimally strong"
"Fearfully patient"
"Unacceptably appropriately second"
"Breathlessly in awe"

Saturday, April 16, 2011

A Note From Reinhold Neibuhr

"Nothing that is worth doing can be achieved in this lifetime; therefore we must be saved by hope

Nothing which is true of beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history; therefore we must be saved by faith

Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore we must be saved by love"

The Ocean

You will find me at the edge of the water
Where the sand and the deep ocean meet
Here they collide but never subside
And so goes their life for all eternity
And the sky watches in awe
Jealous of the way the ocean can move about
But the ocean looks up at the beautiful sky
Is grateful for the sight it provides
Though now paralyzed I close my eyes
And beg for hope.

Red Kisses

- The red tears my body cried placidly falls from the excruciating would that you gently sketched behind me using my back as your canvas
And your pencil was a cold knife enveloped with rust

- The liquid diamond that my glass eyes so painfully shed reminded me of dead moments in my head.  Moments of you thrusting me with your love. The love that I longed for when I was breathing

-Slow motion movies gently glide in my memory, like fantastic patterns etched in my fate
Infinite passion suddenly fades and your razor blade kisses slashed through my existence

- All the red tears mischievously escaped through my wound and Life rapturously turned it's back on me
Death is chained on my feet, howling and growling for my doom

Late 90's

Something Happens Up There

On the 102nd floor of the Empire State Building, things come into one's mind that have never been there before.  Maybe it's the extreme height that screws with the brain?  Maybe it's from reading all the nonsense scribbled in that little book?  Or maybe, just maybe it's due to the complete and utter whim that lands you there are 11pm on a cold Tuesday night in December. Regardless the reason, something happened up there and I'm still trying to understand it.

For a moment let's forget that adorably nauseating romantic moment that took place while we overlooked the city.  There were people bustling around and for the briefest of moments I felt completely alone.  Though my hand was being held tightly, a numbing chill ran down my spine.  I felt you.  I knew then I wasn't the only one cold, looking over the same city with a deviant grin on my face.  Old feelings and emotions came over me.  I had no choice but to clutch the railing to force my thoughts of you to pass and remember who's hand it was holding mine.

The thought of truly knowing scars me, so I avoid rationalizing it at all costs.  How could I be, for once, happy - yet still feel you?

Knowing that what I do have is so close to what could have been is scary.  Seeing a pattern such as this is frightening.  Am I simply substituting for you? No! I will not, I can not. I waited patiently.  I observed and rationalized and calculated and knew exactly what I wanted and when the time was right I took it.  I took what wasn't mine because someone else took what was.

I never needed you.  I only wanted you, wanted the possibility of what we could be.  I wanted more, more that you were unable, wait - unwilling to give.  Never did I think I could find you elsewhere.

Something happened that night above the roof tops, above the cars rushing by.  Something happened that made it all so very clear.  For that moment I am grateful. Comfort and rational thinking won that small battle up there, and with that battle that war in my heart is over.

December 2006


The turmoil is so painful, I want to cut it out.  At least then I'd feel the warmth of the blood run down my body and know the pain is for a reason.  The release would be exhausting.  It would be worth it when I look down at the crimson pool around my feet and smile, knowing I finally let it out.

Some days I feel as if it will never be gone.  No matter how much I will it, it resists; tormenting me.  How can something so surreal, so genuine not be powerful enough?  Are there reservations hidden so deep in my mind that I am unaware of their existence?  Maybe there's something my heart is holding onto that my brain just wouldn't understand?

Why is slicing open my own flesh the only comparison to feeling free of this?  I don't understand.  I am having trouble identifying with such feelings.  I need it to be easy.  Something concrete that either "is" or "isn't."  They say the best  this and the worst thing is getting your feelings back.

Why am I fighting this? Why do I have to?  Shouldn't this be over? The worst part is that I want to think I'm the only one that knows and allow myself to be naive. You're not oblivious to my turmoil.  Unfortunately I know you, and you know me all too well.  I run, I always run.  You wait, you always wait.  I come back to you. I always do.

This time I'm not turning back, and this time you're not waiting. And that's how it should be. That's how we want it to be. Yet tonight I'm sitting here in the darkness next to someone else, wondering what could have been.

~ JB
written sometime in the Fall of 2006

Warped and Twisted

Harsh words and violent blows
Hidden secrets nobody knows
Eyes are open, hands are fisted
Deep inside I'm warped and twisted
So many tricks so many lies
Nobody is special, nobody is gifted
I'm just me, warped and twisted
Sleeping awake and choking on a dream
Listening loudly to a silent scream
Call my mind, the number is unlisted
Lost in somebody, so warped and twisted
On my knees, alive but dead
Look at the pool of blood I've bleed
I'm not gone my mind has drifted
Don't expect much, I'm warped and twisted
Burnt out, washed out, empty and hallow
Today is just yesterday's tomorrow
The sun died out the ashes shifted
I'm still here, warped and twisted

~ Unknown

A chaper titled "Fantasy"

In his landmark 1899 book, "The interpretation of Dreams", Sigmund Freud quotes Plato on the difference between ordinary citizens and criminals:

"The virtuous man is content to dream what the wicket man really does."

Freud's point is that, in the depths of the unconscious mind, even the most morally upright person harbors fantasies of forbidden behavior - of savage lust and primal violence.  But the quote implies something else, too: that what differentiates "wicked" men (and women) from the rest of humanity is their willingness to act on their darkest desires..."

From 'The Fountain Head"

"It's not that, Alvah.  It's not you alone.  If I found a job, a project, and idea or a person I wanted - I'd have to depend on the whole world.  Everything has strings leading to everything else.  We're all so tied togeather.  We're all in a net, the net is waiting, and we're pushed into it by one single desire.  You want a thing and it's precious to you.  Do you know who is waiting to tear it out of your hands?  You can't know, it may be so involved and so far away, but someone is ready, and you're afraid of them all.  And you cringe and you crawl and you bed and you accept them - just so they'll let you keep it.  And look at whom you came to accept."

~ Dominique Francon
"The Fountain Head" by Ayn Rand